Dating and Relationship Advice

A viral video on TikTok shows a woman named Amanda who has started her Hinge conversations by asking her matches for their most controversial opinions. The results are scary to say the least.

“Intelligence is genetic…race-based.”

“Men and women will never be equal.”

“Bullying is good for the country.”

People worldwide have joined in to share what they’ve encountered in their own dating apps. Some matches fob off the question with something benign like “I like pineapple on pizza”. It’s a bit of a cop-out, playing it safe when the question obviously invites a deeper conversation. On the flip side, it can go too deep, with some people indicating opinions with varying degrees of racism, sexism and xenophobia. Yikes!

Amanda may well be onto something, though. Imagine connecting with someone, dating, and being months into a relationship before discovering that your partner is pro-life when you are pro-choice. Wouldn’t it have been better to find that out before a potential pregnancy was in the cards? Think about the couple from Cape Town who ended an 18 year marriage over differing attitudes towards COVID vaccinations.

The strategy of asking for the most controversial opinion doesn’t wait for red flags to reveal themselves over time; the red flags need to be shown front and center. It’s a conversational starter that cuts through the noise. At the end of the day, it probably matters more in a relationship who you voted for in the last election than whether you work in IT or education, and it allows you to end things before they even begin. It’s a lot easier to move on from a match right at the outset than when you’ve invested hours in chatting with each other, or even have gone on a few dates.

A controversial opinion isn’t necessarily set to end a budding relationship. It could get the two of you talking, or finding alignment on an important issue in both of your lives, which creates a bond. Provided both of you enter the conversation with transparency and authenticity, it could be a catalyst for a deeper connection. Who wouldn’t want to find out a crush feels the same way you do about the issues that matter most?

If you’re too nervous to ask upfront, why not soften the blow by sharing your controversial opinion first? Think about your deal-breakers — the things that would have you run a mile the other direction if someone else truly disagreed with you. Yes, you may lose some matches in the short term but it’s probably worth it if you’re weeding out someone who thinks a feminist society means men should be able to hit women (and yes, that was one of the opinions shared on TikTok!)

So, are you willing to jump in the deep end and ask your match about their most controversial opinion? Or are you more comfortable wading around the shallows, asking what they last watched on Netflix?