My Reflection on How To Have Better Sex

Have you ever wondered what your best sexual experiences have in common?

I’ve been reading The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay by Jessica O'Reilly and Marla Renee Stewart for the past few months. It advises you to reflect on what makes you feel most sexy so you can feel that way more often.

I started by making a list of my best sexual partners. I noted what made sex with them so good, and at times, not so good. What I discovered was more profound than any individual’s sexual prowess, and would likely benefit most men to explore for themselves.

Looking for Patterns

I’ll start with the carnal nitty-gritty: I like dirty talk. I’m not super vocal in the sheets, but hearing someone express pleasure enhances my experience. As a proud member of the ass-eating generation, I also appreciate when partners are open to trying new things and aren’t set in their sexual ways.

However, I wanted to dive deeper in these patterns. My list contained everything from one-time sexual encounters to situationships to long-term friends-with-benefits all the way to committed relationships. But they all had one or both of the following in common: strong desire and strong emotional intimacy.

When it comes to desire, most of the short-term flings from the list made it because of my own vanity. It’s really hot to me that some of these people decided very shortly after meeting me that they wanted to fuck. My reasoning is probably flawed, but I took this as proof that I’m an exceptionally attractive person, which made me feel sexy.

Emotional Connection

The emotional intimacy piece was a bit more complex. Emotional intimacy hasn’t been exclusive to my committed relationships. For me, however, the long-term viability of any sexual arrangement (relationships, FWBs, entanglements, etc.) has hinged on emotional intimacy. If I felt strongly about someone, had deep trust with them, and felt we could be open with each other, the sex was objectively better. In the same vein, some of the worst sex I’ve had, even with the “best” people, has been when I’ve felt emotionally disconnected from them.

Cultivating emotional intimacy can be antithetical to how many Black men are socialized to think about sex, love, and dating. The harshness of our world leads many of us to compartmentalize as a coping mechanism. This can lead to disconnected sex and dating experiences that harm all parties involved.

However, unlearning the harm from these systems of oppression can allow us to embrace ourselves as emotional beings. Embracing our emotional selves will benefit our sex lives as well. I know many of us are already doing this work. But for those who don’t know where to start, reflecting on your best orgasms might lead you to some surprising revelations.